L has been much more affectionate and playful in the past few days which I appreciate.
Evidently reading what's going on in my head is easier for him to deal with than a verbal barrage, although it can leave me a bit frustrated, as I feel that he thinks "Well, she got it all out on paper, what's she gotta drag it all up again with me." That may or may not be true, but I do feel that some of it warrants discussion.
The apologies are nice and appreciated, but I want to see if we can't develop systems to keep some of this stuff from happening again. After all, he swears that an old dog can learn new tricks, but I want to make sure that he's not trying to learn these new tricks in a void, and that I'm giving him measurable yardsticks of what is and isn't successful. After all, I have a part to play in this too, and I have an obligation to be fair to him, to some degree.
The relationship with L is different from the Boy, in that Boy's life does not have to be fair. In fact, Boy's life is often UNfair, and that's simply how life is for him. If I tell him "that person makes me uncomfortable and you will not see him/her anymore" then that settles the matter. I don't think it would with L. I simply think L would quit telling me they were in contact.
Fair plays a much more prominent role in L's life, and so, we work with that.
Does that make any sense?
Also, I miss the kinky part of our relationship a lot. I don't know what's happened to it, but it seems to have run off and hid and I can't find it. I know that a great deal of it is my fault, but I'm not sure how to turn it around. He seems to simply be uninterested in submission and I feel as though I would be brushed off should I try to reassert my dominance. It's frustrating in the extreme, but I don't know what to do.
I probably should have seen that coming.
Actually, I think I did, because I'd been expecting the question about V, since L had been texting her a lot lately, but really?
Did he have to ask RIGHT after I told him I was a bit sensitive and tender because of all the stuff I wrote yesterday about the other women?
Maybe I should have explicitly said "I need some extra reassurance right now," or something else to give him the idea that maybe asking me about asking another woman to dinner right that minute was probably not a great idea. I didn't give him the hairy eyeball or scream, but it did kind of make me wonder exactly how resilient he thinks I am.
For the record, I am okay with them having dinner, when V is in town. I am not sure I'm comfortable with him asking her out on an actual date.
I was rereading what I wrote earlier, and wondered, with some of these very flirty relationships...
Does L *tell* them he's very much taken, or does he hint that it's a lot more open than it is? I know the redhead knew he was taken, but that didn't seem to matter. Supposedly, we'd have had a Very Serious Discussion had I been well and at the event, but that never happened, even afterwards when the "I love yous" were flying about. Did he tell her that I was not okay with the sexy talking, or the fantasizing about what would happen if they had the chance, or at the least that I probably would *not* be okay if I found out?
Did he tell the blonde that he was in a non-open relationship, or was it hinted that it was more lax than it was? Did she ever ask if I would be okay with the things they were talking about? Did L ever wonder how I'd react if I'd seen the texts they exchanged? (She offered to show me their text conversations, and admitted that it had gotten intimate and sexual. I turned down that opportunity.)
The LD-texting thing...did she know L was in a relationship, and did it affect their behaviour, or was it brushed off as "what she doesn't know won't hurt her?"
Did he push M away when she kissed him, telling her "No, this isn't cool?" or was it just brushed off as flirting? (I will probably never truly believe it was a chaste kiss on the lips, either. I know L when he gets drunk and flirty...if they did kiss, it involved lips and tongue at the least, and I'm okay with that. I really am.)
Where does L say the line is? Does he actually lay it out there, or does he hint that it's not as serious as I think it is?
And seriously, where is the line between heavy flirting and inappropriate behaviours? I mean, it's probably obvious that L likes sex, so I'm relatively okay with it being discussed in a general sense, but once the conversation turns to sexual compatibility or fantasizing, then I have to step back and wonder if this is acceptable to me.
I understand that kissing can be flirting, and I think we've figured out that a short, French kiss is still flirting, while an extended session veers into territory I'm not comfortable calling flirting. And if the kissing exposes any skin that is generally left to lovers, it's far past what I will agree to is flirting and is veering into cheating territory.
I am...broken, in a lot of ways. I am scared of just about everything and though I hide it well, I seem to live my life in a state of low-grade panic.
I see a head doc, and we're trying to work through some of the issues my ex-husband left me with, especially those concerning cheating/lying, and why I am so jealous-natured.
My ex, Sean, cheated. A LOT. Which is fairly stupid in an open relationship, as there wasn't that much need to. Hell, if you get down to brass tacks, there was NO need to. It was agreed that we had to talk about who we wanted to sleep with, and the other, if they felt strongly enough, could "veto" the relationship. I know I never used my veto, and so, there was no reason for my ex to cheat, except for the illicit thrill. The thrill of the hunt and the clandestine nature of the relationship, the allure of the forbidden. With a couple of the relationships, I knew something was going on, although I didn't have the proof until the very end, when I did something I'm not proud of and broke into his computer. I found out so much more than I ever wanted to know about a lot of things, and it was the catalyst for my asking/telling/screaming at hm to leave.
As Sean left, he wanted to "clear the air" and told me of the multiple other cheating relationships he'd had. I was a moron who, because I had let him stay after the first one or two cheating incidents, got sucker punched over and over and over again, for a total of nine cheats. Nine. Because I was STUPID and let him stay after being lied to and told "oh no, we're just friends!" over and over and over again. I was incredibly stupid and naive and I was made an absolute fool of, because I trusted him when he said "Oh no, no more!" I was an idiot, and I paid for it dearly, in trust and self-loathing.
This is part of my fear. I'm trying to work past some issues that we had a couple of years ago, and then last March, and then...at the end of August.
He (I need a name) gets these...infatuations.
One of them was in July/August a few years ago, when I was in the hospital. He didn't visit me, but once, but had the time to hang out with this other woman...to flirt and laugh and pay her court when I was very very sick. I hadn't realized how much that still hurts...because I wasn't worth the time and effort or the thought. He'll dismiss it with "people were trying to distract him from his lady love being in the hospital" but that doesn't take away the hurt. The fact remains that I wasn't worth the effort, or at least that's my perception. I am trying so hard to maintain forgiveness of that, but it does still ache. It let me know, very clearly, where I was in the priority list, and it was at the bottom, below fighting, and falling into an infatuation with a pretty redhead. Yes, the Boy was there, and since he's legally my husband, he was allowed to stay overnight, but...it felt as though there was no effort on L's part to be there. Yes, there were transportation issues, since we were away from home and with no vehicle of our own, but...ow. That still aches.
After we returned home, the texts and phone calls with the redhead went from "we're just friends" to sneaked "I love yous" in three weeks. Ouch.
Then, there was this past March, when L fell into an infatuation with a young woman (why the fuck are they always so damn young, too?) and checked out of our relationship. He would obsessively sit with his phone, texting for hours with this woman, veering (she later told me) into sexually explicit territory, where I'm pretty sure fantasies and idea were discussed. I freaked, to say the least, and he pulled back from that relationship a bit, and checked back into ours.
August...well, August was the month of the LD text-obsession. He lied to me about it when I'd asked him if someone had caught his fancy during a trip to the west coast, and only admitted to it when cornered. It was another "hide the cell phone" and text obsessively, until he realized it was pushing my buttons and curtailed the texting and such while I was around. That helped a great deal and I like to think I handled it better than I had the previous two incidents, although L's actions were probably the catalyst for my not losing my head again. He was very cognizant of what behaviours were prone to making me crazy, and tried very hard to mitigate them. I appreciate that.
And then...there was the...well, the M incident. There was an event we went to, and he stayed very very late, after the Boy and I went home. I'd heard rumors that he and a young woman(again with the young women!!) were...involved, athough I did dial back what I'd heard a notch or two, because I really don't think they were having sex in the middle of a table, thank you very much. There are just so many things about that night, and about what happened that push all my "someone is lying" buttons.
So many times, Sean lied to me about what had happened, why he hadn't come home, that I'd obviously misunderstood what he'd said about being home at what time, or that he'd misunderstood what I'd said about coming home...etc. It was just as though this incident...was designed from the get-go to trigger every single one of my "You're an idiot and a moron and you're being taken advantage of and lied to again" buttons. Every single one. Supposedly, L got so drunk that he doens't remember that night, and I want to believe him, but...really? It's hard for me to believe that. Really hard. I do know that M kissed him, because they were having a good time, and part of me doesn't believe that it stopped there. Part of me thinks that it went farther, and that L would rather have his eyeballs ripped out with a spoon that admit that because he knows it will be...upsetting to me. The idea of kissing? Really doesn't upset me *that* much. It bothers me that M would either jump L or continue to kill L, when she KNOWS he's in a relationship, but the kissing itself isn't that much of a bomb.
Would it end the relationship? If it was groping and kissing? No. If it was snuggling and actually sleeping together? Probably not, although I would be upset that he didn't tell me the truth straight off. If it was sex? Probably.
Wow. That feels like I just drained a huge wound that was festering under the tender skin of a shallow healing.
although I would be very surprised if anyone read it any more. It's been...well, far too long since I've updated.
I suppose I'm updating because I need a space to noodle this all out, and I can't get to FetLife on the work internet, for which I think I should be grateful.
This weekend I took a huge step out of my comfort zone, and told our third that I would be...okay...with him asking someone out for a casual dating relationship. This is...terrifying for me. Absolutely gut-wrenchingly, world-shaking terrifying. I don't even know how to express how scared I am of this step.
There are some caveats, and while they're probably horribly unfair, I cannot seem to bring myself to allow him unfettered dating at this point. I don't know that I ever will be able to do that.
One- This is casual only. Sex is off the table for right now, and when it does becaome an issue, protection will ALWAYS be used.
Two- He doesn't get to check out of our relationship for the thrill of the new one.
Three- SCRUPULOUS honesty is the name of the game. No hiding who he's talking to, no lying to me about where he's going, nothing like that.
I know there is one more, but it escapes me at the moment.
I am genuinely terrified that I am signing the death warrant of our relationship, but I think he's unhappy with the moratorium on dating in general. I just hope I have the strength to get through this without turning into a paranoid shaking wreck who manages to drive him away.
Part of my issue is that I am a NEEDY person. I need lots of attention, and reassurance, etc. I need to be important in the lives of my loves, and I'm worried that I'll get pushed to the side for a newer, shinier relationship. Also, when sex does become an issue, how do I deal with feeling like he's getting it somewhere else, so why would he need me? How do I deal with feeling like I'm the old tired plowhorse, and he's off with the new Thoroughbred? We get little enough "fun" time together now, and we won't even discuss what's happened to the kinky side of our relationship, how do I deal with sharing him that much more? With giving up the bits of time we *do* have together to just be a family? This is all so scary to me, and yet, when I put it on paper, it sounds so patently STUPID that I don't know how to deal with it.
Right now, I'm just scared to death of it all.
Hmmm....my Boy will be home in July-ish, and we need a new cock cage for him. Due to his extreme physical activity, he keeps breaking the CB-3000 we have and so, I'm thinking of moving to metal...
Perhaps this would work:
or he might be better off in this:
Part of me relishes the idea of this one:
This one is rather similar to one of the Tickleberry links, but it's still attractive:
Hmmm...I think this might be an option for every day wear, but not for his midtour. For that, he will be locked up and in pain for me.
And this one is rather fancy!
Decisions, decision, decisions!
Life is...good. My Boy is once again, away, heading toward the sound of battle. My fierce hound, my faithful spaniel, my sweet fawning puppy, oh how I miss you. There is a hollow space in my heart that is raw and weeping still, and it will only truly be healed when you are home again. But that is, no matter the hurt, something which must be borne, and I must find beauty and joy in my life despite the pain.
I am so blessed.
I have something I did not have the last time I was in this situation. I have the support of my Little One, someone so dear to my heart that it makes me smile and cling to him when the worst of the storms that rack my soul sweep across me. He is both my support when I feel I must crumple to the ground and beat my fists against it in anger and frustration, and my outlet when I am feeling braw and feisty and want to simply beat his backside until the adrenaline flows through me clear and clean. When I am sad and small, he gathers me to him and holds me as if I am the most precious thing in his life, and when I am angry, he gives himself to me to spend that anger until it is soothed and slinks back into the cave it came from.
This week, he has been very submissive and it's been fun to abuse him, to tease him, to humiliate him. I look forward to more of it.
Also, I am glad, because my Boy and the Little One have been talking while the Boy is gone, and they're exploring more of their relationship as well. That makes me inexpressibly glad.
Really, despite the pain and the anger, I have love, faith and hope, and the greatest of these is love.
It seems that my sex drive is flagging, and I dislike it intensely. Part of it is my new routine of getting up at 4 in the morning, and heading out to the gym. (If my Boy is so cognizant of keeping himself in shape, for me and for his job, can I do any less?) It seems that I am dead on my feet at dinner time, and want little more than to fall into bed and sleep.
Part of this is depression, I know. I suffer from it, and have for a long time, but I am very hopeful my new medication dosages help with the constant exhaustion.
I have neglected my Little One, and my Boy, and for that I am sorry. They both deserve attention that I have not given them and yet another separation looms for my Boy and me. Neither the Little One, not the Boy, nor I am looking forward to the year and some months that we will be apart, as we are, again, going to be out of country in consecutive time periods. This is perhaps the greatest struggle in my life, to accept that this is God's will and that we will come through this stronger and more in love than ever. Sometimes, as is usual in these situations, I want to kick and scream until I get my way.
I think perhaps I shall beat the Little One tonight. I will feel better.
And then, we shall decorate the Christmas tree.
Is this thing on?
So much has changed in the *mumble mumble* since I last updated.
I'll write someting up soon, but I wanted to let people know that both myself and the Boy are alive and well. We've just bought a house, have added a third person to our relationship (a male switch) and are happier than ever.
My Boy and I played a game this weekend. I was going to be out of town from Saturday morning until Sunday evening and so, because I find keeping my Boy on his toes a good thing, I wanted to change things up a bit from our normal routines.
My Boy was allowed to masturbate as often as he liked this weekend. I had a predetermined number on my head, a limit. If he stayed below the limit, he would be rewarded, and if he went over that number, he would be punished. Frankly, as teased and horny as he's been these past two weeks, I expected him to reach double digits.
As a reward for something totally different, one of the orgasms this weekend did not count.
He orgasmed seven times, with only six of them counting. The number I chose as his limit was seven. My Boy stayed below the limit and so, he will be rewarded, with the reward of his choosing, with the privilege of orgasming inside me.
Although I found the game interesting, I don't think it's one we'll be playing again. I found the idea of his masturbating at his own whim almost...unnatural. It seemed odd to think that he'd simply decide to orgasm and then follow through on it. I'm not sure I liked the idea, in all honesty.
Overall, I am well-pleased with my Boy. He did not abuse his privilege as I thought he might and he was most grateful to be back under my control again.